Feedback Is a Gift (Even When It’s the Kind You Didn’t Ask For)
- Emilia Breton
- Jan 25
- 5 min read
Feedback is a gift… but not every gift deserves a spot on your mantel.
Let’s explore simple ways to give feedback that actually lands, and a no-drama method for receiving it, saying “thank you,” and deciding whether to open it now, later, or quietly toss it in the bin.
We talk about feedback like it’s some corporate vitamin we’re supposed to take, good for us, a little unpleasant, and best swallowed quickly with water.
But here’s the reframe that actually works in real life: feedback is a gift. Not always a well-wrapped gift. Sometimes it shows up in a crumpled bag with a weird vibe. Still… it’s information someone put effort into handing you.
And just like any gift, you get to choose what happens next.
The “Gift” Rule for Receiving Feedback
Receive it.
Say, “Thank you.” (Yes, even if you’re internally screaming.)
Decide what you’ll do with it:
Open it right away and explore what’s inside.
Let it sit and come back later when you’re less activated.
Put it on a shelf and see if you collect more “similar gifts” over time (patterns matter).
Throw it away if it’s not useful, not true, or not offered in good faith.
That last part is important: you are not required to use every gift you receive. You’re required to consider it.
First: Avoid These Common Feedback Anti-Patterns
Before we get to the good stuff, let’s retire a few classics that tend to backfire:
The “how’s it going?” ambush: vague conversation, surprise critique—no thanks.
The feedback sandwich: praise → critique → praise… everyone sees the bread, nobody trusts the filling.
The pillow approach: so many softeners, the message becomes foggy.
The machine gun: saving everything up, then unloading it all at once (ouch).
If you’ve done these… congrats, you’re human. Let’s upgrade.
The Helpful Patterns: Methods That Make Feedback Clear (and Actually Usable)
1) STAR: A Simple Way to Give Positive Feedback
When you want to reinforce something that worked, STAR keeps you specific and credible:
S/T – Situation/Task: what was happening?
A – Action: what did the person do?
R – Result: what changed because of it?
Example (real-world human version): “During yesterday’s stakeholder meeting (Situation), you summarized the tradeoffs super clearly (Action), and it got us to a decision in 10 minutes instead of spiraling for an hour (Result).”
That’s the kind of praise people can repeat on purpose.
2) STAR/AR: A Practical Way to Give Developmental Feedback
When something didn’t land, you can still keep it respectful and useful with STAR/AR:
S/T – Situation/Task
A – Action (what happened that was ineffective)
R – Result (the impact)
A – Alternative Action (what could be done instead)
R – Alternative Result (what that might change)
Example: “In the sprint review (Situation), you jumped into solution mode before we aligned on the problem (Action). The team got split, and we lost 20 minutes debating options (Result). Next time, you could pause and ask for problem alignment first (Alternative Action), which would help the team converge faster and keep the discussion grounded (Alternative Result).”
It’s direct, but it gives a path forward—which is the whole point.
3) The Perfection Game: Feedback That Stays Constructive (and Weirdly Fun)
This one is excellent when you’re reviewing work and want improvement without a pile-on.
How it works:
Agree together, you are playing the Perfection Game
Give a rating from 1–10 based on how much value you believe you can add.
Say: “What I liked was…”
Then: “To make it a 10, you would have to…”
Key rule: It stays focused on improving the thing, not judging the person.
Recipient’s job: Accept it without arguing. Just: “Thank you.” Ask clarifying questions if needed. Use what fits, ignore what doesn’t. Section on Feedback from partic…
This method quietly teaches a powerful habit: feedback isn’t a debate. It’s data.
4) Gifts and Greats: Make Feedback a Normal Part of Team Life
This is one of those lightweight practices teams use to share:
“Here’s something great I noticed”
“Here’s a gift (an idea) that might help”
It keeps feedback from being a once-a-year “special occasion” and turns it into a normal, low-drama exchange.
5) Black Hat Thinking + Ritual Dissent: When You Need the Gloves-Off Version (Safely)
That’s where Black Hat Thinking and Ritual Dissent shine:
You create psychological safety up front (often by invoking the Retrospective Prime Directive)
A spokesperson presents an idea briefly
Then they literally turn around and listen in silence while the group attacks the idea, vigorously
No arguing. No defending. Notes only.
Then the spokesperson returns and shares what they learned.
This is not everyday feedback. This is “we want to pressure-test this proposal before reality does it for us.”
“Okay… But How Do I Start the Feedback Conversation?”
If you ever freeze at the opening line (same), steal one of these:
“Can we talk through how X went?”
“I have feedback about X. Let’s find time to discuss.”
“I’d like to draw lessons for the future by debriefing X.”
“When would be a good time to talk through what worked and what could be improved?”
Simple. Clear. Not ominous.
The Secret Weapon: Curiosity (Because Defensiveness Is a Sneaky Little Gremlin)
When giving feedback, curiosity lowers defenses—yours and theirs. Try questions like:
“How did you think that went? Am I missing something?”
“What do you think might be causing this?”
“What other options did you consider?”
“How could you approach it differently next time?”
“What do you need to implement this?”
Curiosity says: I’m here to understand, not to win.
Receiving Feedback Without Spiraling: Watch for Triggers
If feedback makes you instantly want to argue, shut down, or mentally move to a cabin in the woods—welcome, you’re triggered.
A useful model from Thanks for the Feedback breaks triggers into three types:
Truth triggers: “This is wrong/unfair/unhelpful.”
Relationship triggers: “Who are you to tell me this?”
Identity triggers: “If this is true, I’m a failure.”
A grounding question that helps across all three:“What story am I making up about this feedback?” Section on Feedback from partic…
Because the story is often louder than the facts.
Bringing It Home: The Gift Metaphor, for Real Humans
So yes—feedback is a gift.
But you’re not obligated to:
open it immediately,
keep it forever,
Or decorate your life with it like it’s the law.
Your job is to receive it, say thank you, and choose deliberately:
open now,
open later,
shelve it while you gather more data,
or toss it.
That’s not avoidance. That’s discernment.
And honestly? Discernment is kind of the grown-up version of “being good at feedback.”
Comments